It’s popular to write bucket lists of things to do before you die. But why not also write a fucket list of things never to try?
by JERRY SILFWER aka Doctor Spin
Well, this should be a fun little exercise.
A fucket list is the opposite of a bucket list. It’s the things you don’t want to do before you die.
(According to Urban Dictionary, it could also be spelled fuckit list and sometimes it refers to a list of people to have sexual intercourse with before you die. This is not such a list.)
The rules are simple:
- It must be something you don’t want to do, ever.
- It must be something that seems to be a “thing” to other people.
- It’s okay to be slightly passive-aggressive.
My Fucket List
In no particular order:
1. Jump out of a functional airplane. I don’t suffer from dopamine deficiency.
2. Buy stuff I don’t need. Stuff just wear you down.
3. “Fit in.” I don’t, anyway.
4. Get a tattoo. Because I might change my mind about it.
5. Run a marathon. There must be other ways to deal with a personal crisis.
6. Climb a mountain. I have no business up there.
7. Try auto-erotic asphyxiation. Brains need oxygen.
8. Geocaching. It’s just so incredibly lame.
9. Join the Mile High Club. It’s not sexy to have intercourse where strangers defecate.
10. Go backpacking for self-discovery. It’s such a cliché.
11. Bungee jump. It’s neither cool nor an accomplishment.
12. Ask for an autograph. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
13. Respect religious beliefs. Because, you know, science (tag:science).
14. Do hookers, blow, and booze in Vegas. It’s artificial.
15. Swim with sharks. It’s their habitat, not mine.
16. See a psychic. If I did, I’d be better off seeing a psychiatrist.
17. Be a toastmaster. The job requires a certain type of personality.
18. Play golf. I would destroy too many expensive clubs.
19. Run for a political office. I’d love to run someone’s campaign, though.
20. Get easily offended. I don’t want to belong to that group.
21. Learn more about wine. I don’t want to belong to that group, either.
22. Get good at online multiplayer games. I suck so bad it would take me decades.
23. Join a cult. I’m not very good at following.
24. Go snowboarding. Downhill skiing is way cooler.
25. Visit a circus. Wild animals shouldn’t be living like that.
26. Keep up with the Kardashians. Because, why?
27. Be in a studio audience. Clapping hands and laughing on cue is just so sad.
What would you put on your fucket list? Please share in the comments.